You Are My Sunshine

When you’re in a dark, dark place, there are people who shine light from their souls, their hearts, their eyes, and this light saves us.  Yesterday I was feeling particularly pathetic.  Beyond health issues, there are issues I can’t discuss yet, and let’s just say those issues are weighing on me heavier than anything I’ve survived in the past year.  This is taking my breath away.

My husband, as he always does, walked through the living room and paused to say, “you’re beautiful.”

Okay, here’s the catch.  My hair hasn’t been brushed in days because brushing hurts.  I’ve lost a few more pounds, but the high cheekbones I inherited from my mother will take me to my grave, so the result is skeletal.  The constant pain creates deep purple circles under and above my eyes.  Any cleavage I once had is presently distracted by the cords and tape of a Portacath, which is my lifesaver now that I receive IV antibiotics twice daily and blood transfusions twice weekly.  I’m wearing a grubby gray tank top and sweatpants.  My fingernails are cut as short as possible to prohibit injury during seizures and my toenails are in desperate need of a pedicure, but I don’t have the energy to care.  Instead, I slide on a pair of socks to hide my toes.

John continues walking and I begin crying.  It’s silly, I know.  I should just be thankful to have this man in my life.  But I cry.

I’m not beautiful.  I’m not even pretty anymore.  I’m pathetic and expensive and angry and sad that this now my life.

And I’m sad that this is now his life.

He deserves so much better.  This not the way it was supposed to be.

We were supposed to be celebrating our one year anniversary, finishing up remodeling this 105-year-old home, adjusting to our oldest children being off to college, and starting new projects in between raising the remaining three kids.

We were not supposed to spend every last saved penny on medication, hospitalizations and treatments.  We’ve halted all remodeling so that John can take care of me physically, when I need it, and financially.  The seasons change relentlessly, but this is not the life we thought we’d have.

And I’m angry.

Yet I know when he walks by me and whispers words of my beauty he means it.  Even though my right eye is often involuntarily shut and I’m wearing yesterday’s yoga pants, he sees the vibrant woman he married just a little over a year ago.

Though I want more for him, he’s happy when he looks at me, a shell of the woman I once was.

And I know that even though I am sick and expensive and difficult and exhausting, even in this shell, even broken into a million pieces, no woman could love that man more than I do.

When I am unloveable, he loves me harder.

How lucky am I?

I happened upon this song a few days ago, and I wanted to share it with you.  Music is a central part of my healing.  You can click here to watch it on video or you can read the lyrics below.

Either way, I believe everyone reading this blog is either walking through the storm or knows someone who is.  This last month the storm here has blown so strong, there were times I couldn’t stand.  Thank God for the people who showed up to wrap a blanket of love around me and hold the umbrella.  My storm isn’t over, but I know my husband will be by my side “until I’m back to me again.”  And I have my children, my friends, and my family–my sunshine– to get me to the blue skies.

Because eventually we will get to those blue skies.  Darn it.

If you know someone who’s facing a dark cloud, be their sunshine, show up, and love ’em through it.  It means so much.

“After The Storm Blows Through”

Maddie & Tae

You’ve been walking around with a dark cloud
Hanging over every step you take
Like the slightest breeze will knock you to your knees
Doing your best not to break
Wish I had the words to tell ya, but I got an umbrella
And I think it’s big enough, for the both of us

I’ll face that wind by your side
Even take on that rain, I don’t mind,
Or give you space or give you time,
If you need me to,
But I’ll be here for you
After the storm blows through

You know, you and me, we’ve been thick as thieves
You get cut I feel the pain
We’re stuck together, no matter what the weather
And that ain’t gonna change
I don’t know how long the hurt’ll hold on
Or when the sun will shine again
So until then…

I’ll face that wind by your side
Even take on that rain, I don’t mind,
Or give you space or give you time,
If you need me to,
But I’ll be here for you
After the storm blows through
And your skies are blue again
And you’re back to you again, my friend

I’ll face that wind by your side
Even take on that rain, I don’t mind,
Or give you space or give you time,
If you need me to,
But I’ll be here for you
After the storm blows through

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